November 2011
So much is still there. Little things I see or hear which remind me of so much, how much I invested in a dream for something which was all I could ever hope for…and yet I turn right around from that disappointment to something that’s even less of a chance because it will never get the chance, no matter how good and right it could be.
This will not be a good start to nanowrimo…too much on my mind, most of it very negative, the rest kinda negative. And the good things are things I’m missing very much right now.
October 2011
it’s about more than trust. for most it all boils down to desire and excitement and novelty. we all say all sorts of things that we want, but it’s all what we think we’re supposed to want. maybe those are in fact the things we should want, but what we get drawn to is often not what is best for us. is it what i really want? is it just what i should want? or is it both? but...
“If we deny love that is given to us, if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss, then our lives will be empty, our loss greater.”
sometimes you just have to say fuck what happened, fuck what’s in the way, this is what is right, and i’m putting it all on the line because anything else would be cowardice unbefitting someone worthy.
i feel so conflicted. i hate feeling conflicted. i’ve actually been feeling conflicted for a very long time, but even more so now…
Mind bogglingly dull work day and pee on the toilet seat again…get me the fuck out of here?
“Turning and turning in the widening gyre The falcon cannot hear the falconer; Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold; Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere The ceremony of innocence is drowned; The best lack all conviction, while the worst Are full of passionate intensity.” ― William Butler Yeats
what do you do when the thing that is your calling is so based upon the hearts of others, when the foundation upon which your dreams rely is the shifting sands of the human heart?
well, i didn’t scored as high as i would have liked, but i didn’t score as low as i feared. bye bye stanford and cal. it would have been fun. still got an outside shot at hastings and good odds for scu. i just wish i had some shot at what i really want in life, but that’s never something i could plan or prepare or work towards when it’s not there to begin with. when...
If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life. Oscar Wilde I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope, For hope would be hope for the wrong thing. T. S. Eliot
nights like this, that drag on and on in silence…waves wearing away at the base of the cliff till the castle comes crashing down into the sea.
“Gimme a coping mechanism on the rocks.” “I don’t believe I know that drink.” “It’s easy. You put two ice cubes in a glass, then dump ‘em out and fill it with bourbon.”
it’s amazing how much the little things can mean. short moments, little actions, small sensations…but they hold so very much for me.
“And I’m a goddamn fool, but then again so are you And the lion’s roar, the lion’s roar Has me singing out and searching for you And I never really knew, what to do Sometimes I wish I could find my rosemary hill I sit there and look at the deserted lakes and I’d sing And every once in a while I’d sing a song for you That would rise above the mountains and the stars and the sea And if I...
the long hours
those hours late at night or in the pre-dawn…long hours filled with silence. those are what really get to me after all this time. thoughts spinning with nowhere to go. people always tell me that i need to change how i think, but how can you do that in a closed system? an object will continue moving as it always has unless acted upon by an outside force, and thoughts will continue as they...
what did i do? what am i doing? why do i bother? why am i doing it again?
Guilt is anger directed at ourselves - at what we did or did not do. Resentment is anger directed at others - at what they did or did not do. Peter McWilliams Guilt upon the conscience, like rust upon iron, both defiles and consumes it, gnawing and creeping into it, as that does which at last eats out the very heart and...
how do i fix it???
I believe you don’t fix the inside by putting something on the outside. Elle Macpherson Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace. Buddha I have some ideas on how to fix that. They’re not very good ideas, but at least they’re ideas! Adam Savage Let us not seek to fix the blame for the past. Let us accept our own responsibility for the future. John F....
it’s amazing how so many months can pass without a word from some people…i don’t know what to make of that.
Weird and frightening dreams. Birth and death, love and loss, all wrapped up together in the blanket of a moment.
waiting. always waiting. i’d say i’m waiting for the right time, but what if that never comes? maybe all there will be will be waiting…
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. Carl Sagan For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting. T. S. Eliot Waiting is painful. Forgetting is...
balmy nights, beautiful sunsets, an almost bleeding head…one of these things doesn’t belong.
Reputation is an idle and most false imposition; oft got without merit, and lost without deserving. William Shakespeare
Uh oh…doctor who fan podcasts…
“…Despite all the tears and hurt, you loved. You cared and gave your heart so unashamedly. It was strong and brave and special. You thought it weakness. Always crying and always hurting. Others saw your tears and thought you delicate. But I knew otherwise. I knew that those tears could only be there because you were brave enough to live with an open heart….”
I wanna live ‘til I die, no more, no less. Eddie Izzard The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it. Albert Einstein Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. Mark Twain To believe in something, and not to live it, is...
It’s not the worry and concern that gets to me. It’s not even the inability to help. It’s the not being able to reach out. It’s the not being there, not to do something about it, but just to be there.
there are things so close to the surface. things unsaid yet known. things which must be said, clearly and in the light. no shadows to hide that which you are not ashamed of. the truth, all of it, uncut, undiluted. even though words may fall and never take root, they still must fall. but that is only transitory while truth is eternal.
“when you think of it
We’re a perfect fit
We’re both a little off beat”
Ah, memories…
Here’s to sleepless nights. Dreams of the past and future calling and haunting in alternating synchronicity. All the while the demons of today lurk in the shadows waiting for the dawn.
these walls don’t speak stories they echo words of the past horrors that ring in my ears a simple sentence which thrust true it’s the simple phrases which live on not the eloquent soliloquies or epic poems three little words can spell so much magic but sorcery does not just summon it also dispels
There is a tide in the affairs of men, Which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat. And we must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures. William Shakespeare Even Castles made of sand, fall into the sea, eventually. Jimi Hendrix The fishermen know that the sea is...
there are holes. things get torn out of us. we let people into our hearts and they become a part of us. and then they go. they tell us to leave. they tell us we’re in the way, or that we hurt them, or that they don’t care for us anymore. but since we let them in, our hearts have grown around them. it doesn’t leave a clean hole. it tears and rips and shreds. and that hole...
Wow…how have I managed to not go crazy after two years of this shit? I’m working again but it is the most mind-numbing job I’ve ever had. I think all the outside shit I’ve dealt with over those years distracted somewhat. While I’d work my mind would wander through thoughts about it all. That might have been good in that it kept the boredom from making me snap but it...
i should be relieved, but i’m not. i feel like i’m just getting back up on the razor’s edge. can’t seem to go one way or the other but if i keep walking up here, i’m going to get cut.
“You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they’re as dull as a brick? Then there’s other people, when you meet them you think, ‘Not bad. They’re okay.’ And then you get to know them and… and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality’s written all over it....
i really need to learn to sleep. barely slept more than an hour or two last night. i should have passed out as i was physically exhausted from running around at renfaire all day but i just lay there awake. and it’s not that there are so many thoughts running through my head. it is just that the few thoughts are very loud and insistent. things in me scream to be let out and acted upon...
ukelaurel replied to your post: last picked
I feel the same for myself. This is definitely a better description than I could have come up with though.
well i picked you out right away :P
last picked
ok, it’s not that i don’t stand out. i do stick out a bit in a crowd. i’m distinctive looking, and i’d like to think not in a bad way. but i’ve also seen time and again that i don’t stand out in that way that makes people want to move towards me, to choose me. once people know me, yes they find me to be quite agreeable and pleasant and kind and all that good...
it’s kinda hard to get closure with what ifs that aren’t.
2 tags
and i just wish i could say it. really say it. and i did try, but never got a response.
ukelaurel replied to your post: “what about you now? who have you got? i mean,…
; ~ ; excuse me while i cry everywhere
i relate way too much to his sentiment.
